Dismissed.
McSweeney's, the brand, offers a fantastic Quarterly literary series featuring heady and progressive prose, as well as a website whose daily content changes make it one of the most consistently humorous sites to bookmark. If nothing else, they are always creative.
I, on the other hand, am apparently not. Despite a strange feeling of "the mother ship is calling" when I read some of their prose, they have courteously or coldly passed on all of my submissions thus far. Sometimes, they were right to do so. But in these cases, I thought I passed muster.
Wii Fit activities that would be better suited for my cardio-vascular system:
Wii Checkers
Wii Dominoes
Wii Luge
Wii Slots
Wii Trawling
Wii Fantasy Football
Wii Meditate
Wii Kvetch
Wii Rest
© WPR 2009, submitted 3/2/09, in hopes that a couple of years off gave them a chance to forget their grudge against my list-making capabilities. Turns out, Timothy McSweeney has a good memory.
Potential stage names for George W. Bush should he opt for a post-Presidential career in hip hop:
ill-Presidenté
D-Sider
MC Verbicide
Malaprops
Nuculer G
© WPR 2007, submitted 7/30/07, because optimism is a more powerful force within me than realism.
How my junk emails would begin if their text honestly delivered on their subject lines:
Refinance approved
Our confounding interest accrual method means you can own your home in just 116 years
Replica Handbags!
Identical, except for the fabric, stitching, design, and quality
Online Canadian Pharmacy
Conveniently operating from the basement of a Des Moines duplex
Girls don't like you? We have a solution!
First, stop staring at the baristas breasts when ordering your coffee, dipshit
Great chance for u
We're assembling a Prince cover band
on extra what caterpillar
This is how much we respect you---we expect you to respond to gibberish
Remember me?
I'm the supposed-woman who clogged your spam filter last week
Lotto Tickets from 50 countries around the world
Disclaimer---only six of these countries actually have a Lotto
Be as gove
Apparently your too savvy to be lured with caterpillar references; allow me to start again
Products that can improve you life
Puppies!© WPR 2007, submitted 6/10/07. No official response, though like a marriage proposal that is met with cricket chirps, one can guess what the answer isn't.
Star Wars-related phrases directed at me by my IT coworkers that, since I have never seen the movies, have no meaning to me (but make me suspicious):
"Good morning Jar Jar." (Apparently there's something funny about the repetition?)
"Dude, was that a monologue from Episode 1" (Was Episode 1 especially eloquent?)
"You'd have the pink light saber." (I assume light sabers are like karate, with colored belts, and pink is low?)
"Nice syntax, Yoda." (Isn't Yoda the really smart character? Maybe not wiseass, this one.)
"Careful, Ed, here comes Boba Fat." (They said he's a bounty hunter. I can live with that one.)
"You $#@& Sith" (Unless Sith's are good lovers, this is probably bad.)
© WPR 2007, submitted 3/22/07. Zeth read this prior to submission and intimated that it would probably be rejected. Which makes it different than the other lists how? Rejected 4/7/07.
Words I use often because they disguise my wicked New England accent:
Tuna
Tuba
Impala
Santa
Alabama
Coma
Panama
Nomar Garciaparra
© WPR 2007, submitted 2/14/07. I didn't expect this one to get printed, I was just trying to bum-rush the proverbial door. Sadly, Eggers remains the consummate bouncer. Rejected 3/16/07.
Names dismissed during the naming process of Spritetm soda:
Fairy
Sylph
Spite
Sugarwater
Turpen-shine!
Lemon Pledge
© WPR 2007, submitted 1/24/07. I had taken a long break from submitting to McSweeney's, but had seen a steady stream of decidedly unamusing lists posted that indicated a notable lowering of standards---perhaps low enough to allow me to jump the fence? Alas, no. Rejected in February.
Single-letter typos that might have negatively impacted record sales:
The Beach Boys, Pet Wounds
The Beatles, The Whine Album
Pink Floyd, The Dark Side of the Loon
Marvin Gaye, Hat's Going On
Garth Brooks, The Huts
The Beach Boys, Endless Bummer
Pink Floyd, The Mall
Marvin Gaye, Pet's Get It On
© WPR 2005, submitted 11/23/05, and while not officially rejected yet, it's feels like when you lie down in bed with your partner and find them cocooning themselves in blankets with their back to you; I think Timothy has a headache.
Roles listed in movie credits that might not be the breakthrough vehicle the actor was hoping for:
Wallflower #3
Gene / Jean
Sleeping Mime
The Corpse
Ugly Woman in pantsuit
Martin Van Buren
© WPR 2005, rejected 11/2005
Pitch Lines Heard at HBO for Shelved Historical Dramas:
MASTODON
"Okay, forget everything you know about the early Cenozoic era..."PLYMOUTH!
"I know, you're thinking, 'A pre-Colonial Puritan soap opera?!', but what you should be thinking is, 'Mmmm, corsets!'"EDEN
"I know it's a bit cliché, but if the budget allows, I'm thinking James Earl Jones as the voice of God."THE GATHERERS
"That's a good question. We were imagining English subtitles, so the actors would seem period-accurate. Of course, no one will know if it's actual Cro-Magnon that they're speaking."MOUNT OLYMPUS
"Well, I don't think it's fair to call it porn, exactly---we were just taking advantage of the double entendre in the title."LANCASTER
"This is no publicity stunt like 'Amish in the City'---this will be real Amish life: the drudgery, the monotony. But with a really dope soundtrack."GETHSEMANE
"I'm sure the bible thumpers will scream foul, but if the jesus character dies in the season finale, that sort of screws us for season two."HOTLANTIS
"Close your eyes and imagine the mythical ancient civilization, a beautiful, bustling, mysterious Minoan marvel---but for a twist, populated by today's hottest southern rap personalities."VALHALLATOSIS
"We are picturing something like 'Dumb and Dumber' but with Vikings. Crapping in holes, food in their beards---come on, that's funny shit."DALLAS
"There was? Was it popular? Hmmm. I only ask because I've never heard of it."
© 2005, written by William Reagan and Zeth Lundy. Not exactly rejected 7/2005---we have yet to get a response. Either it didn't warrant a reply, or they have opted for the old "turn off the lights, they'll think we're not home" editorial method. (Unfortunately for them, they have underestimated how long we're willing to sit in the car at the front curb, waiting for a flicker of light from the opened refrigerator door. Eggers can't live on dry goods forever.)
Phrases used by my ex-military motivational haiku coach:
"Your loons are not believable. They act like ducks."
"The adage is that the Buddha lives in each of us. I'm impressed with your diligence at proving that wrong."
"This is excellent---if you like Tanka! And does this shirt say "Tanka warrior"? No, it says "Haiku warrior"! I want to see that eraser moving double-time, mister."
"'The iris opens slowly'? So what are you, part iris?"
"Crystal ball future --- you are writing greeting cards --- grandma smiles, buys none."
"Do you really think these so-called skills are going to help you when you come face to face with a real butterfly?"
"How the hell does a PONY open up to the summer sun? Proofread, dammit."
"One haiku in a whole week? You must be the laziest poet in this man's writing group. Sit and give my 17 syllables right now!"
© WPR 2005, rejected 5/2005
© WPR 2005-2007, all contents
